My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
