I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
