1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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