Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
