We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
