I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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