Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
