I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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