sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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