can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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