She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize