last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
