I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
