I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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