Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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