Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
