theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
