my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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