he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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