apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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