it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
