So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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