I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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