I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize