can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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