just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
