My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
