She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
