my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
