1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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