you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
