hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
