Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
