why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
