Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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