i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Congratulations! We have a period
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
