i just wanna soil my oats bro
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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