I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
