My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm just crazy horny about you
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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