saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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