Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
