One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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