I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize
