he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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