Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Drunk is a universal language darling
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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