she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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