Will you blow on my dice?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
