When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
