remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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