Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
