awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
