At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
