Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
