life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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