i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
