Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
